追憶似水流年華

Alas, she could have visited these real historic buildings with me; after ten years of learning architecture, there were always some of the most distinguished people who asked me to accompany them to Bowey or Saint Luis de Nor at any time, but I only wanted to go with her, but she followed those who were no more rude, Louis Philip and Louis Philip. Violet-Leddick was fascinated by his stinky excrement! I don't think it's necessary to be an artist to make that kind of thing, and even if the judgment is not particularly strong, it's not enough to choose a thatched house for a holiday and go and smell the shit nearby. When she went to Delle or Bilfont Castle --- and, unfortunately, she refused to let him go with her, saying that it might have "bad consequences" for her --- he buried himself in reading the most enchanting love stories, checking train schedules, and trying to meet her in the afternoon, evening, or even in the morning. Way? This is not a matter of impossibility, but of approval. Train schedules and trains are not made for dogs. To inform the public in printed form that there is a train leaving for Bilfont at eight o'clock in the morning and arriving at four o'clock in the morning, that is to say, Bilfont is a lawful act without Audrey's consent; this is also an act that may be aimed at something totally unrelated to Audrey's desire to meet, because every day there is no such thing. The number of people who knew Odette boarded the car was so large that it was necessary to set the locomotive on fire. In short, if he wanted to go to Bilfont, she could not stop him. He really felt a desire to go to Bilfont, and if he didn't know Audrey, he would go too. For a long time, he wanted to have a more precise concept of Violet-Leddick's recovery. It was such a fine day that he could not wait to go for a walk in the Gombinia forest. Beautiful friends are unlucky, but this place is attractive to him today, while Audrey refuses to let him go. Today! If he had gone in defiance of her ban, he would have seen her today. If she met someone else in Bilfont, she would happily say to him, "What? You're here too!" She would be invited to see her at the hotel where she was staying with the Vildirans, but if Swanta was there, she would be angry, thinking that he was staring at her, that his love for him would be weakened, and that she might turn away when she saw him. When I get back, I may say to him, "Then I don't even have the freedom to travel!" In fact, he had no freedom to travel himself! It suddenly occurred to him that if he wanted to go to Gombinier and Bilfond without appearing to go to Odette, he would have to be accompanied by his friend Marquis Forsdale, who had a villa nearby. When Swan told him about this plan (but did not say his motivation), he couldn't help but be happy. It was the first time in fifteen years that Swan had promised to visit his industry. Swan was unwilling to stay there for a long time, but promised to stay there for a few days, take a walk and visit together. Swando had imagined he was there with Fresdale. Even before he met Audrey there, even if he could not see her there, how happy he would be; to settle down in this land, where, even if he did not know exactly where and when she would appear, he had felt the possibility of her sudden appearance everywhere * in a sudden pulsation: It was in the courtyard of the beautiful castle for her to visit, on every street of the city he felt so romantic, on a road in the forest dyed red by the thick and soft sunset - these were countless shelters for alternate use, and his mood of wandering and multiplying happiness. Hopefully and unreliably, hide before divorce." Don't run into Audrey and Vildiran, "he would say to Mr. De Forsdale." I just heard they happened to be in Bilfond today. There's plenty of time to meet in Paris. Why leave Paris to prove that we can't leave each other? His friends will wonder why he keeps changing his plans as soon as he gets there and goes through the restaurants of all the hotels in Gombinia, but he can't decide where to sit. In fact, there is no sign of the Vildirans, and his look * seems to be looking for someone he says he wants to avoid, and once he finds it, he has to hide. Because if he really met those people, he would pretend to avoid them; as long as he saw Audrey, she saw him, and especially let her see that he was not concerned about her, he was satisfied. No, she would have guessed that he went there for her sake. So when De Forsdale came to him to start, he said, "I'm sorry! I can't go to Bilfont today. Audrey's right there." Swank was still happy because he was the only one among the people who did not have the freedom to go to Bilfont that day. That was because his relationship with Audrey was different from anyone else. He was her lover, and the restriction on his freedom of movement was only the kind of slavery and love he cherished so much. One of the forms. Surely it would be better not to risk quarrelling with her, or to be patient until she comes back. In those days, he stood on a map of the Gombinian forest, as if it were a map of the country of love, surrounded by pictures of the Chateau of Bilfond. As soon as the day came when she might come back, he turned on the train schedule and calculated which class she might take, and if she delayed a little longer there, what other flights she could take. He stayed at home and did not go out for fear that he would not be at home when the telegram came, that he would not sleep when it was dark, that she would come back by the last bus, and that she would come to see him in the middle of the night in order to give him an accident. Just then he heard someone ringing the doorbell, but no one opened it for a long time. He wanted to wake up the doorman and go to the window to call Audrey (if it was her), because even if he went downstairs and told them ten times, they might tell her that he was not at home. It turned out to be a servant coming home. He heard the carriages speeding on the road, which he had never noticed before. He could only hear each car coming from a distance, getting closer and closer, driving through his door without stopping, and running away with information that was not his. He waited all night, but to no avail, the Vildillans returned early, and Audrey returned to Paris by noon; she did not want to inform him; she did not know what to do, and went to the theatre by herself, and went home to bed and fell asleep. She didn't even think about him. A moment like this, when Swan's existence was forgotten, was better for Audrey, and it helped to tie him to his heart than all her amorous feelings. Because Swan lived in such a strong and painful excitement, as he had not seen her at the Vildeland's house that night and had searched for her all night. As a result, his love sprouted and blossomed in his heart. When I was a child in Gombre, I had some happy days, forgetting the pain, and the pain didn't come back until evening. Never before had Swan had such a day, when he had not spent it with Audrey; sometimes he thought it would be prudent to let such a beautiful woman go out alone in Paris, just like putting a box full of jewels in the middle of the road. So he was indignant with all the pedestrians and regarded them all as thieves. However, their appearance is collective and invisible. He can't imagine it, so he can't arouse his jealousy. Swan racked his brains, rubbed his eyes with his hands and cried, "God bless you!" After trying to figure out the reality of the outside world * or the immortality of the soul * people always ask God to alleviate the tired brain. But the miss of the woman who was not around was inextricably linked to the usual actions in Swan's life, such as eating, receiving letters, going to the street and going to bed, in commemoration of Margaret de Austria's regret that these actions had taken place in her absence. In the church built by her husband, Philippe, to show his memory, the first letters of their names were interwoven and carved everywhere. Some days, he did not stay at home and went to a nearby restaurant for dinner. The restaurant's cooking was once appreciated by him, but now he went for the mysterious and absurd reason of being called a romantic colour. That's because it (still exists) had the name of the street where Audrey lived: Lapiro. Z. Sometimes, when she went out for a short time, she would not notice him until she returned to Paris for a few days. She simply said that she had just returned by the morning train, and that she was no longer as bothered as ever to find some truth to hide. These stories were all lies, at least to Audrey. They were not tenable enough to find support in her recollections of arriving at the railway station as the truth did; she was too lazy to even make up in her mind a picture of what she claimed to have done when she got off the train. But in Swan's mind, her words went smoothly, without any obstacles and took root, and the undoubted authenticity * was so indestructible that if a friend told him that he had also come by that bus without meeting Odette, he would be convinced that the friend had misremembered the day or the hour because of him. The statement does not correspond with Audrey's. Odette's words only appear to be lies when he suspects that she is going to lie before she says them. To convince him that she was lying, prior suspicion was a necessary condition. This is also a sufficient condition. At this point, everything Audrey said was suspicious. Once he heard her say a man's name, it must be her lover; once that hypothesis was established, it would take him several weeks to eliminate it; once he even went to a private detective to ask for the address of an unknown person and his daily activities, and he would not be relieved until the person traveled, but later on. Only then did I know that this man was an uncle of Audrey, who had been dead for twenty years. (1) Felipe (1480-1504), a beautiful man, was the Duke of Sava. Buru is located 422 kilometers southeast of Paris in Bresburg, capital of Ancient Province. The church was built between 1506 and 1536. Although she generally disagreed with him appearing in public with her, saying that he would be gossiped, sometimes he was invited to a party at the same time as her, such as the Forshville family, the painter and the charity ball held in which department, when he was with her. When he saw her, he dared not stay, lest it might appear to be the joy of peeping at her with others. In his imagination, the joy was endless, because he never saw the end of it, because he could only go home alone and go to bed in fear. A few years later, when he went to our house in Gombre for dinner, I had the same experience. Once or twice, through such a night, he also experienced a kind of joy which could be called calm (if not overwhelmed by the sudden disappearance of uneasiness), because it calmed our hearts: he had a day to stay at a party in the painter's studio, just about to go. Walking, Audrey, disguised as a glorious foreigner, was full of emotion and joy to the men around her (not to him), as if predicting what would happen at the party or somewhere else (maybe a rave party, he would shudder at the thought of her going), and This delight aroused Swan's jealousy more than the real combination of flesh, because he could hardly imagine the latter; he was ready to cross the door of the studio when he heard Audrey call him, "Can you wait for me for five minutes, I'll go right away, let's go back together, and you'll take me home?" These words cut off the frightening ending of the party, made the party so pure and innocent in his memory, and made Audrey's return home no longer an unimaginable and terrible thing, but a sweet reality, and put it in front of him as part of his daily life, in his car. These words also stripped Audrey of her overglamorous and overjoyed appearance, revealing that she had just made up for a moment, not for his mysterious pleasure, and that she was tired of it. One day, Foshville asked to take Swan's car back. When it reached the door of Odette's house, he asked him to come in. Odette pointed at Swan and said to him, "Ah, that's for the gentleman. Go and ask him. I want to remind you that he likes to talk to me quietly and does not like to come when he comes. Ah! If only you knew him as well as I did! My love, nobody knows you as well as I do. Are you right? Swan was naturally moved when she said such kind words of preference to him in front of Forshville, but it would be better if she could also make some critical suggestions, such as, "You must not have answered that dinner on Sunday." Don't be rude if you don't like to go; or, "Have you left your paper on Vermeer here? Can't you write more tomorrow? What a lazy bone! I must urge you to do so!" This shows that Audrey knows his social rewards in the upper class, the progress of his art papers, and that they share a common life. When she says this, she throws a smile at him. Through it, he feels that she belongs to him both physically and mentally. At such moments, when she was making orange juice for them, his fearful and uncertain views of Odette faded away, like a poorly tuned reflecting mirror throwing strange big shadows around a target on the wall, then slowly shrinking and finally concentrating on the point at which the target disappeared. Finally, it was combined with her charming body standing in front of Swan. Suddenly he wondered that the moment he spent under the lamp at Audrey's house might not be a time to put on props, carry wax fruits and rehearse for him (the purpose was to cover up the terrible delicate thing that he kept thinking about but had to come up with a definite idea, that is, when he was not there, Audrey actually did. What kind of life is it --- her real life) and what is Audrey's real life; if he is not there, she may push the same armchair to Forshville and pour him nothing special, but orange juice; the world in which Audrey lives is not another one. All day long, in determining where it might be located, it may only exist in the terrible supernatural world he imagined, but it is indeed the real universe. It does not have any special miserable atmosphere, but includes the table where he is going to sit and write. He will have a chance to taste all the drinks, including all those. He watched with curiosity and admiration as well as gratitude, for these things absorbed his dreams like sponges, freed him from them, and enriched themselves; they also pointed out to him that his dreams could see and touch reality, and aroused his thoughts. Attention; the images of these things became more and more vivid before his eyes, and at the same time they calmed his perplexed mind more and more. Ah! If fate permits him and Audrey to have only one place to live with, in her own house; when asked what the servant had for lunch, the answer is Audrey's menu; if Audrey wants to take a walk on Bronilin Avenue in the morning, he, as husband, has to accompany her, even if he doesn't want to go out, and Hold her cloak when she's too hot; after dinner, if she wants to stay at home in casual clothes, he'll have to stay with her and do what she wants him to do; then the trivial things in his life now seem so boring that they will also become part of Audrey's life, even if they are. The most common details, such as the lamp with so many dreams, the glass of orange water, the armchair and so on, will become extremely sweet and magnificent. However, he thought that he would regret the loss of tranquility and tranquility, which were not conducive to love. When Odette was no longer always an imaginary figure who was not around and was always remembered by him; when his feelings for her were no longer the mysterious flurry aroused by the sonata, but the deep feeling, but the clarity; when a normal relationship was established between them and her fanaticism and sadness ended; Now, Audrey's everyday activities would not seem so important to him - he had been suspicious many times, as was the case the day she read her letter to Forshville through the envelope. He watched his illness calmly as if he had been vaccinated for research; he thought that when he recovered, what Audrey did had nothing to do with him. But in his sickness, to be honest, he was no less afraid of her recovery than death, because the healing of such illness was tantamount to declaring all his death now. After such a quiet night, Swan's suspicion was calmed down; he blessed Audrey and sent the best jewelry to her home early the next morning, because her good intentions on the eve of the night provoked gratitude in him, or the desire to see them reproduce, or the need for them. The high tide of love. Sometimes, however, the pain gripped his heart. He imagined Audrey as the mistress of Forshville. On the eve of the summer capital event he had not been invited to, the two of them watched him from the Veldirland carriage with the desperate look that even his coachman had noticed. They asked her to come back with him. When she went home alone and dejected, when she called Foshville to look at him, she said to him, "Hi! See how angry he is!" At that time, her eyes were as bright, ill-intentioned, cunning and oblique as the day when Forshville drove Saniette away from his home in Verdiland. At that time, Swan hated her and thought, "I'm too foolish to spend money on other people's fun. It's better for her to keep her eyes open. Don't strain the rope too tight. I won't give you a penny when I'm in a hurry. Anyway, the extra discount has to be temporarily suspended! But yesterday, when she mentioned that she wanted to go to the Beloitte Music Festival, I was foolish enough to tell her that she wanted to rent a beautiful castle of the King of Bavaria in the suburbs, where two people would live. Fortunately, she did not seem overly excited, nor did she say whether to go or not; I wish she would refuse, my God! Her music to Wagner is as good as fish to apple. It's amazing to listen to such a concert with such a person for two weeks in a row!! ____________ And his hatred, like his love, needs to be vented and acted on. He's willing to push his bad ideas farther, assuming that Audrey has betrayed him, which makes him even more disgusted with her, and if he proves these ideas (which he tries to convince), he will find an opportunity to punish her and punish him. A gush of anger blew out on her. He was about to imagine that he would receive a letter from her asking him for money to rent the castle near Byroit, and informing him that he could not go himself, because she had accepted the invitation of the couple of Foshville and Vildirland. Ah! He wished she had the courage! How happy it would be to give her a refusal and a retaliatory letter! He had already chosen words and even read them aloud as if he had received her letter. The letter did come the next day. She said that the Vildirans and their friends had expressed interest in Wagner's works, and that she was usually received at their home, and that if he would give her the money, she would have the pleasure of receiving them. She did not mention him in a word; needless to say, the presence of them ruled him out. The terrible reply he had dreamed up word for word the night before (he couldn't expect it to work), but now he had the pleasure of sending it to her. Unfortunately, with the money she had, or easily found, she could afford to rent a house in Bairoit if she wanted to, although she did not know the difference between Bach and Clabison. However, with her money, her life would have to be saved a little. If he hadn't given her a few thousand francs this time, she would not have been able to organize a luxurious dinner party in her rented Castle every night. After that, maybe she would have been in the arms of Forshville on a whim (perhaps not before). Anyway, he can't afford to spend money on this hell of a trip! ____________ - Ah! If only there were ways to stop it! If only she had stumbled before leaving, if she could pay a high price for the coachman who took her to the railway station, and sent Odette, the treacherous woman who had been in Swan's eyes for forty-eight hours, a woman with a smile from her accomplice to Fushville, to a place for a few days! Clabison (1808-1866): French composer. But her image never lasted long; after a few days, her bright and cunning eyes lost their luster and deception, and the man said to Foshville, "Hey! See how angry he is!" The hateful image of Audrey began to fade away. At this time, another Audrey's face gradually reappeared and rose slowly in the light; although he also smiled at Forshville, only in Swan's smile was tender; when she said, "Don't be too long, when the gentleman asked me to stay with him, he was not very big." Like to come to the guest. Ah! If only you knew him as well as I did!" When, isn't that the case? When Swan was considerate to her, when he was the only one who could rely on him to ask him for advice at the critical moment, wasn't that the way she smiled? At that moment, he would ask himself how he could write such an insulting letter to Audrey; no doubt she never believed that he would write such a letter, and that letter lowered his noble and sole position in her respect through his generosity and loyalty. Her love for him will not be the same as it used to be. It is because he has qualities that Forshville and no one else has, that she loves him. It is these qualities that make Audrey always considerate of him; these expressions, when he is jealous, do not take them for granted, because they are not expressions of passion, desire, impulse, and represent tenderness rather than love, but as his suspicions fade away. When he reads art books or talks with friends and is calm enough to make his excitement less rewarding, he begins to feel how valuable these performances are. After all this shaking, Odette naturally returned to the position where Swan's jealousy had once pushed her aside and into the angle he thought she was moving. He imagined in his mind how warm she was, how willing her eyes were, and how beautiful he was. He could not help turning his lips to her. Reaching out, as if she were really present and able to accept a hug, and he was grateful for this fascinating and kind glimpse, as if she had just taken a serious look at him, as if the glimpse had not been portrayed by his imagination in order to satisfy his wishes. What pain he should have caused her! Of course, he has good reasons to be dissatisfied with her, but if he doesn't love her so much, these reasons are not enough to make him dissatisfied with her to such a degree. Didn't he complain too much about other women, and now that he no longer loves them, there's no anger at them. When they come to their doors, can they still be happy to serve them? If one day he had taken such an indifferent attitude towards Audrey, he would have understood that it was purely vinegar that made him feel that her idea was so bad and unforgivable, and that in essence it was quite natural, but it also showed some kindness, but it was naive, but it was just an opportunity. When they arrived, they could return the courtesy to the Vildirans and make the best of the landlord's friendship. He also judged Audrey from the opposite point of view of love and jealousy, trying to be fair when thinking about problems, taking into account all kinds of possibilities:* He assumed that he had never loved her, in his mind as any other woman, her life was not different because he was not present, not behind him, rushing. He knitted it. Why do you think she'll have an intoxicating pleasure with Forshville over there that she's never had around him? Isn't that all his vinegar made up out of nothing? Whether in Beloit or Paris, if Foshville thinks of him, he can only regard him as a person who occupies an important position in Audrey's life. In case they meet at her house, he has to make way for him. Forshville and Audrey were proud of being there regardless of his unwillingness, because he could not stop them. If he agreed with her plan (which was beyond reproach), she would feel sent and settled down as if she had gone according to his will. Thank Swan for the feeling there and the pleasure of rewarding the people who received her so often. If she was not angry with him and left without meeting him, if she was given the money and encouraged her to make the trip more pleasant, she would come forward happily and gratefully, and he would have the pleasure of meeting her that he had not seen for almost a week. Happiness, this is nothing else can replace. As long as Swan did not imagine her with disgust, he would see her kind heart in her smile, and his desire to regain her from any other man was no longer jealous except for love, which restored his hobby for the feelings that Audrey's appearance and body had given him, and restored it. She laughs at her face and her voice rises and falls as a drama to appreciate, as a phenomenon to explore this fun hobby. This unusual pleasure resulted in a need for Audrey, which could only be met by her presence or letters; it was almost as utilitarian and almost as artistic as Swan's other need when he entered a new stage of life.* Colourful, and equally abnormal, Swan suddenly came to a stage of spiritual overflowing after many years of dull life, and he did not know where the unexpected enrichment of his inner life came from, just as a frail man suddenly grew stronger and fatter, as if he were about to embark on it for a while. The road to complete recovery is the same - that need was developed in his mind from the outside world, which is the need to appreciate music and understand music. In this way, through the chemical mechanism of his illness, he began to create warmth and compassion for Odette after making vinegar with love. Audrey returned to being a touching and kind-hearted Audrey. He felt guilty for having been so cruel to her. He wanted her to come to him and give her some pleasure before she came, so that when we met, we could see her face and smile shaped by gratitude. Red and Black Audrey will surely come and ask for reconciliation in a few days, gentle and tame as before, so he will not be afraid to make him unhappy or even provoke him, and will refuse to grant him the most precious special privilege if he feels the right time. Maybe she didn't know that when he quarreled with her, when he told her that he would not give her any more money and that he would give her some bitter food, he didn't mean to play. Maybe she didn't know that on other occasions, he was sincere when he decided to stay away from her house for a period of time in order to show her that he could leave her for the long-term benefit of their relationship and that breakdown could happen at any time. If it wasn't true to her, at least to himself. Here. Often for days afterwards, she did not add any new troubles to him; he knew that the first few meetings would not bring him much pleasure, but might bring some unpleasant things and disturb the peace of his heart, so he wrote to her, saying that he was too busy to go to her for those days. Credible just sent out, but received a letter from her, coincidentally, it is also to ask him to postpone the original appointment. He couldn't help wondering, what's the matter? Suspicion and pain gripped his heart. He was so distracted that he could no longer keep the promise he had just made when he was calm. He rushed to her house and asked to see her every day for the next few days. Even if she didn't write to him first, and even if she answered that she agreed not to meet for a few days, he could not stay at home and had to see her. That's because, contrary to Swan's expectations, Odette's consent confused his mind. Some people possess something. In order to know what may happen if he loses it for a while, he excludes it from his mind and keeps everything else in his mind as it is. However, the lack of one thing does not only mean the absence of such a thing, but also the absence of one part. This is the great turmoil of the rest of the world. This is a new state that can not be foreseen from the old state. At other times, the opposite is true: Odette is going on a trip. After making an excuse to quarrel with her, he decides not to write to her or see her before she returns, which makes a temporary break-up seem like a great discord (he is expecting to benefit from it, and she may be able to do so by For this was an irreparable discord, and most of the rest of the time was inevitable because Audrey was traveling, and he was only prompting it to start a few days earlier. He had already imagined how Audrey was anxious and distressed to see neither others nor Thaksin, and the image of Audrey calmed his jealousy and made him more accustomed to not meeting her. He agreed to the three-week break, and was beaten down by the idea of seeing Audrey again in his mind. Sometimes, however, he was happy to see her when she came back, but he was somewhat anxious to ask himself if he would volunteer to pass such an easy abstinence period. A few more days. This period has only lasted three days, and he used to see Audrey for more than three days, but it was not arranged in advance as it is now. Sometimes, however, a little discomfort in his mind or body prompted him to regard the present moment as an exceptional and out-of-the-way moment, a time when the changeable spirit allowed him to accept the comfort of a pleasure and allow him to take a vacation of willpower (until it was necessary to recover); such discomfort or not. Comfort stops willpower from acting as a compulsory force; sometimes he suddenly remembers something he forgot to ask Audrey, such as whether she had thought about it, what color her carriage would be painted, or whether she would buy a common stock or a preferred stock. It's good to go down, but if the carriage has to be repainted in the future and the stock has no dividend, that's bad. The idea of seeing her at this time is like the rubber band that just let go or the air coming out of the compressor that just opened the lid. It's like rushing into this field from a distance and reaching the point where it's possible to achieve it immediately. Domain. The idea of seeing Audrey came back to me, and there was no resistance, and it became so irresistible that Swan felt it was easier to go through fifteen days of separation from Audrey day after day, and waited for his driver to put the harness on and take him to her house, in a midst of anxiety and joy. Ten minutes later, however, were very difficult; during that time, in order to show her his warmth, he repeated the idea of meeting her again thousands of times - when he thought she was still far away, she suddenly returned and now returned to his heart. This is because the idea of seeing Audrey is now unable to find ways to resist the idea in order to create obstacles; this desire has ceased to exist in Swan, because he has been able to resist it so easily since he proved to himself (at least he thought so himself). He felt that there was no inconvenience in postponing the temporary attempt, but now he felt that if he wanted to, he would be sure to carry it out. It's also because the idea of seeing Audrey is now reappearing in his mind with novelty, seduction and acuteness * - all three of which were once smoothed out by habit, and now are banned for 15 days instead of three days (the duration of one banning is not how long it actually lasts). Instead, it should be calculated on a predetermined deadline) to regain strength, while the unexpected happiness that he could not resist was generated by the pleasure of expectation that he had never sacrificed too much. Finally, the idea of seeing Audrey now reappeared in his mind with Swan's desire to know what Audrey was thinking and doing when he couldn't get his message, and what he was about to discover was an almost unfamiliar and fascinating revelation from Audrey. For her part, she had long thought that his refusal to give money was just a fake move to ask what colour the paint was and what kind of stock he bought was just an excuse. She did not need to review all the stages of his emotional outbreak from beginning to end; according to her understanding, she did not need to know its origin and development, but believed in it. The point she had long known was the inevitable, infallible and unchanging outcome. From Swan's point of view, this view is incomplete - though it may be profound. Swan apparently thinks that he is not understood by Audrey, which is like a morphine addict who is convinced that he is about to get rid of his intractable habit because of external factors, or a tuberculosis patient who is convinced that he is about to eventually recover from unexpected discomfort, all feeling that he is not understood by doctors. Doctors do not pay enough attention to the so-called incidents and use them as bad habits or symptoms to cover up their own things. When patients themselves are intoxicated with the dream that they are about to return to normal or recover, their bad habits or symptoms actually continue to be irreparably burdened on their heads. In fact, Swan's love has reached such a point that physicians and the boldest surgeons (in some cases) will ask themselves whether it is reasonable or even possible to eradicate such a patient's bad habits or his illness. Indeed, Swan had no direct awareness of the depth of his love. When he tried to guess, he often felt that the love had faded and almost vanished; for example, before he fell in love with Odette, he did not like her expressive facial lines, her not bright face * very much, almost a little disgust, and now some days will also. This happens." When there was real progress, "he would think the next day," when I carefully groped, I found that there was almost no pleasure in her bed last night: oddly, I always thought she was ugly. Indeed, this is also true, because his love has gone far beyond the realm of carnal desire. Odette's body has not occupied a lot of position. When he looked up at the photograph of Audrey on the table, or when she came to his house to see him, it was difficult for him to equate the flesh and blood on the photographic paper with the painful uneasiness in his mind. Almost in surprise, he thought, "It's her!" It's like someone suddenly takes a disease out of our body and shows it to us, and we don't think it's like the kind of disease we make. He tried to figure out what it was; it was something like love, something like death, rather than something vaguely similar to the concept of disease; it was something we often doubted, often delved into, lest we could not grasp its essence - it was a mystery of human character. Swan's love has spread so far that it is so closely related to all his habits and actions, to his thoughts, health, sleep, life and even to his wishes behind him that it has become one with him and cannot be stripped from him without destroying himself as a whole. In other words, his love can no longer be operated on. Because of this love, Swan's past interests have declined to such an extent that when he occasionally returns to the upper class (thinking that his social relations, like the beautiful pedestal of a diamond whose value Audrey does not know for sure), can raise his value in her mind, and if these societies are at stake If it had not been devalued by that love, it might have been right: in her mind, the love had depreciated the value of anything related to it, because it did not say them so precious, except in places she did not know and among people she did not know. In addition to grief, there is the transcendent pleasure which may be experienced in reading or appreciating some novels or pictures that show the leisure class's amusement: for example, at home, he likes to read the daily life of Versailles Palace, Mrs. de Mantegnon's menu, and to know Lv in the works of St. Simon, one of his favorite writers. (2) Careful miserliness and the same interest as when putting on a show to check whether his family's daily life is properly arranged, whether his own clothes and servants'dresses are beautiful, and whether his family's funds are properly invested. The decline of Swan's past interests is not absolute, and the reason why he wants to savor this new pleasure is to escape from the countless places in his own heart that have not been touched by his love and sadness. At this point, what my aunt and grandmother said about the "little Swan" sex character (unlike Charles Swan's more personal character) is exactly what he is most willing to have right now. One day, Princess Palma celebrated her birthday (she could get tickets for grand festivals, so it was indirectly useful for Audrey) and he wanted to send her some fruit, but it was not clear where to order it, so he asked one of his mother's cousins to do it. The aunt wrote to him that the fruit she bought for him was not bought in one place. The grapes were bought from Clappert Fruit Store (this is a famous brand of this house). The strawberries and pears were picked from Rao Lei and Sheffield Fruit Store (the best one there). All the fruits were tested by me. Sure enough, the princess said in her thank-you letter how fragrant strawberries are and how delicious pears are. In particular, the phrase "all fruits are checked by me" gave him great comfort and brought his heart to areas he seldom patronized - in wealthy bourgeois families with considerable status, the knowledge of "common address" and ordering goods in stores was handed down from generation to generation, as he did. The heir of a family, this knowledge will serve him at any time. (1) Mrs. de Mantegnon (1635-1687): The wife of the French writer Scaron, who went to the palace to educate Louis XIV's children after she was widowed, married Louis XIV secretly in 1684, which had a great influence on the kingdom's politics. She is the author of Letters Collection. Lvry (1632-1719): French composer and founder of French opera. Indeed, he had forgotten that he was the "little Swan", so when he became the "little Swan" again in a short time, he felt that the pleasure was stronger than the pleasure he usually felt and had long been indifferent to; the courtesy of the bourgeoisie (for them, he was always the "little Swan") The kindness of a nobleman is slightly inferior to that of an aristocrat, but more pleasing, because the bourgeoisie's courtesy and respect for people are combined, so no matter what letter his Royal Highness wrote to him or what reception he was invited to attend, Swan's mind is inferior to that of his parents'old friends inviting him to be a witness or just a witness. Invitation letters to weddings are even more precious; some of his parents'old friends have been meeting him all the time, like my grandfather's invitation to my mother's wedding in his first year; others have only met him once, but are courteous to the respectable heir of the late Mr. Swan. But because of his age-old intimacy with high-class people, they are also part of his residence, servants and family to a certain extent. When he remembered his distinguished friends, he felt that they were also a kind of dependence, a kind of comfortable equipment, just like the beautiful real estate, delicate silverware and beautiful tablecloth handed down to him from generation to generation. When he thought that, in case he suddenly fell ill at home, his servant would have to go to the house to ask for help from Duke Chartler, Prince Royce, Duke of Luxembourg and Baron Charles, he thought of it like Franois of our family who knew that she would embroider her name tomorrow without patching the cloth (or It was so delicately sewn that it showed the skill of those skillful hands.) She felt the same comfort when she was wrapped up in the funeral. It was her long-cherished shroud. It was not valuable, but it was decent enough to be satisfied. Especially, among all his actions and thoughts related to Audrey, Swan always had a dominant idea that he was in her mind, perhaps more intimate than anyone else, than the most hated faithful of the Villandilans, but not the one she was most willing to meet. One --- When he thinks of a group of people who think he is the most interesting person to appreciate, who are trying to attract and regret not seeing him, he believes that there is another happier life in the world, and he almost feels the desire to try it, just like being in bed for more than a month. Patients whose diet is strictly controlled are just as eager to try when they see the menu of a formal banquet in the newspaper or travel advertisements to Sicily. They were all Swan's friends, including Duke Chartler (1940-1910), the grandson of King Louis Philip of France and the younger brother of the Count of Paris. If he defended himself from visiting his friends in the upper class, he tried to make up all sorts of reasons for himself before Audrey in order to see her. And he had to pay for it (at the end of the month, he had to wonder if it was too much to bother her, whether it was too many times to see her, whether it was too few to give her 4,000 francs), and each time he had to find an excuse, bring some gifts, think of the news she wanted to hear, or go to Mr. de Charles (who was back at her house). I met him halfway there and insisted that Swan accompany him. If there was no excuse, he would ask Mr. de Charles to go to her house and let him talk to her in a rambling way, saying that it suddenly occurred to him that something had to be said to Swan and asked her to send for him to her house at once; most of the time Swan waited at home, and Mr. de Charles came to tell him at night that his plan had not succeeded. 。 As a result, she often leaves Paris now, and seldom meets him even in Paris. When she loved him, she always said, "I always have time." Or, "I don't care about other people's gossip." Now, when he wants to meet her, she either mentions something awesome. Something's wrong. When he talked about what kind of charity show he was going to see with her, attending art previews, and watching the first performance of the script, she said he wanted to expose their relationship to the light of the day and that he regarded her as a girl's home. To avoid finding her anywhere, Swan went to the suite in Belshas Street where my grandfather Adolf lived and asked him to influence Audrey. He knew that she knew and loved my grandfather, who was her friend. When she talked about my grandfather and uncle in front of Swan, she always talked like a poem: "Ah! He is not like you, how pure, great and noble his friendship with me is! He won't look down on me like that. He wants to show up with me in any public place. Swan felt a little embarrassed. He didn't know how high the tone should be when my grandfather and uncle talked about Audrey. He first talked about how good her character was, how her human feelings exceeded ordinary people, how her moral character could not be described verbally, and how it could not be generalized by any concept. I want to talk to you. You know what a lovely man Audette is, what a man is superior to all women, and what an angel she is. You also know what life is like in Paris. Not everyone knows you and the Audrey I know. So, some people think I'm playing a funny role *; she won't let me meet her outside in the theatre. She trusts you so much. Please say a few words to me in front of her and tell her not to think that if I say hello to her in the street, it will bring her disaster." My grandfather advised Swan to see Audrey again in a few days. She would only love him more for that. She also advised Audrey to meet her wherever Swan loved. A few days later, Odette said to Swan that she was disappointed that my grandfather and grandfather were no different from all men: he wanted to be rude to her not long ago. Swan would go to my uncle and grandfather to settle the accounts if he heard that. Audrey dissuaded him, but when he met my uncle and grandfather, he refused to shake hands with him. Swan had hoped that if he could see my uncle and grandfather again, talk to him in private and find out some gossip about her life in Nice, he would regret the discord with my uncle and grandfather Adolf even more. My grandfather and uncle used to spend the winter in Nice. Swan thought: Maybe it was there that he met Odette. Swan was shocked that someone had missed a point in front of him about someone who might have been Audrey's lover. Some things, before he knows them, may sound terrible or unbelievable. Once he knows them, he will always be bound up with his worries. He admits them and can no longer believe that they did not exist. It's just that everything corrects his view of his mistress, and it's hard to change it ever since. For a while, he thought, he hadn't expected Audrey to be so frivolous before, but now she's almost everybody knows, and when she spent months in Baden and Nis, she was famous for her flirtation. He wanted to get close to and inquire about some of the cockroaches, but they knew that he knew Audrey, and he himself feared that it would make them rethink her and pester her. Until then, everything related to the city life of Baden or Nice was more boring than anything else in his mind, but after hearing that Audrey had spent a lot of time in these two amusement cities before, he could not understand why it was just to satisfy her money. Need it (with him now, the problem no longer exists), or just because of a whim (which can happen again). Now, with a strong sense of helplessness and inexplicability, he bent down and looked down at the bottomless pit that engulfed the first few years of his seven-year term. In those years, people spent winter on the British Avenue in Nice and summer in the shade of the linden trees in Baden, but he felt these years were painful but brilliant. The Great Abyss - The poet would say this: He would review the trivial stories in the Blue Coast newspaper, as long as they could help him understand Audrey's smile or eyes - still so kind and simple - and he would be better than him as an aesthetician in order to understand Botticelli's Spring and Beauty in depth. Vanna and The Birth of Venus are also enthusiastic when studying the materials of Florence in the fifteenth century. He often looked at her without saying a word and fell into deep thought; then she said to him, "How do you look so sad?" Not long ago, he thought of her as a very good person, the same woman as the best woman he knew, but now he thought she was a woman supported by a lover; on the contrary, sometimes he first saw her hanging out with those vagabonds who specialize in eating, drinking and playing, and with those guys who are neither male nor female. Audrey de Cressie, then he saw the face with such a gentle expression and thought of such a kind character. He thought to himself, "Even if everyone in Nice knows Odette de Cressie, what's the big deal?" The gossip was made up by others; "He thought that the legend, even if it was true, was something external to Audrey, not intrinsic to him as his evil nature * and that the man who was finally seduced to do something bad was a man with beautiful eyes and a pair of other people. The pain was full of compassion, and there was a woman who had been in his arms and played with obedient body at will; if he could make himself indispensable to her, one day he would be able to take possession of her whole body and mind. She was there now, tired at times, and there was no sign on her face that she was absorbed in the things that afflicted Swan and could not be understood at the moment; she swept her hair back with both hands, and her forehead and face looked wider; just at that moment, a plain idea, a kind feeling, suddenly occurred. Like a golden light bursting out from her eyes, anyone would do so after a rest or a period of meditation. Like the grey fields covered with clouds, her face suddenly brightened at sunset. Odette's inner life at this time, the future she envisioned, Swan wished to share with her; it did not seem to be affected by any unfortunate disturbance. Such moments are becoming harder and harder to come by, but every time they happen, they are helpful. Swan linked these fragments through his memory, deleted the interval between two times, and created a golden image of a kind and quiet Audrey. For this Audrey, he later made sacrifices that another Audrey did not get (as we will talk about in Volume 2 of this work). It's such a rare moment that we don't even have much chance to meet her! Even on their evening appointments, she would never say at the last minute whether she would agree, because she thought he was always free and she had to be sure that no one else had asked for it except him. She always said that she had to wait for an answer that was vital to her, and even when she sent for Swan, the evening party had begun. She was always in a hurry to dress as long as friends invited Audrey to accompany them to the theatre or to dinner. She put on her clothes one by one, and each movement accelerated Swan's departure from her and made her run away. When the clothes were ready, for the last time, she looked into the mirror, put lipstick on her lips, put a bun on her forehead, and asked for the ornament. Sky blue with golden tassels and evening cloak. Swan's face was full of sadness. She could not restrain her impatience. She said, "I've been accompanying you until the last minute. I dare you to thank me like this!" I think I'm good enough for you. Next time I won't be so silly again!" Sometimes, at the risk of provoking her to anger, he was determined to find out where she was going. He even fantasized about forming an alliance with Forshville, thinking that maybe he could provide him with information. Besides, when he knows who she spends the evening with, it's unlikely that he will find anyone among all his friends who knows (even indirectly) which man she's going out with, and who knows something at the same time. When he writes to a friend and asks him to try to figure out a point, he is relieved that he does not have to ask himself questions that cannot be answered again, but gives up all his inquiries to others. In fact, when Swando knew a little about the situation, he was not more comfortable. Knowing a thing does not mean preventing it from happening, but we can always grasp what we know, not in our hands, or at least in our minds, where we can control it at will. This gives us an illusion that we can do something about it. 。 Swan was happy whenever Mr. De Charles was with Audrey. He knew that nothing would happen between Mr. de Charles and her, and that the reason why Mr. de Charles went out with her was because of his friendship with Swan, and he would tell him exactly what Audrey had done. Sometimes she told Swan categorically that she couldn't possibly meet him one night and that she had to go out like that. Swan tried to make time for Mr. de Charles to accompany her. The next day, he was ashamed to ask Mr. De Charles a lot of questions, but pretended not to understand his answer too well. He insisted that he repeat it. After each reply, he felt more and more relieved, because he knew that Audrey had spent the night playing harmless and elegant. "Little Meimei, I don't quite understand... You don't go to the Grefan Wax Man's Hall as soon as you get out of her house. You went elsewhere first. No Where! That's weird! Xiao Meimei, you really amused me. It's a strange idea that she went on to "Black Cat". Did she come up with the idea? No It's you. That's weird. That's not a bad idea. She must have many acquaintances there? No She didn't speak to anyone? That's God. Are you two just staying there? There's nobody around? I can imagine it. It's very kind of you, my little Meimei. I really like you." Swan felt relieved. Sometimes he talked absently with friends who didn't know what he was doing with her, and occasionally he heard sentences like "I saw Mrs. De Cressie here yesterday, with a gentleman I didn't know"; such sentences immediately solidified in Swan's heart, hardened into scales, and pierced his heart. No longer leave, and like "she knows no one, no talk to anyone," such a sentence in his heart is how smooth, how lubricated, how smooth, how easy to absorb! But after a while, he thought, Odette probably thought he was boring, or how else would he rather have that kind of fun than be with him? The pleasures were not so great, which reassured him, but also made him miserable, as if he had been betrayed. Outsiders refer to Mac Mahon's seven-year presidency (1873-1879). Even if he could not know where she was going, it was enough to calm his anxiety; the warmth around Audette was the only special cure for the anxiety (which aggravated the pain over time, but at least temporarily relieved it); as long as Audette agreed to stay with him. It is enough to wait for her to come back from her home; in this quiet time of waiting, other moments that are different in his mind because of some charm and some magic will come to mingle with it. But she disagreed, so he had to go back to his house and force himself to think about all kinds of plans on the way, not about Audrey, and even chewing on cheerful ideas when he was undressing; he went to bed with the hope of seeing some masterpiece tomorrow and turned off the lights; but he stopped feeling for himself when he was ready to go to bed. Control (this self-control has become so accustomed to nature that he does not even realize it), he feels a shiver and chokes. He didn't want to ask why, wipe his eyes, laugh and say to himself, "Dare it, I've got neurosis!" Then he could not help thinking that tomorrow he would have to start again trying to find out what Audrey was doing, trying to exert all his influence and try to meet her. This ceaseless, unchanging and fruitless activity was such a cruel necessity for him that one day, when he saw a lump growing in his abdomen, he was so happy that it might be a deadly tumour that he thought he would never have to do anything again and listen to the disease. Match, become the object of its play until the end is not far away. During this period, although he did not explicitly admit it, he often wished for an early death, not so much to get rid of the deep pain, but rather to get rid of the monotony of his efforts. However, he still wanted to live until he no longer loved her, when she had no reason to lie to him, and he could finally know whether she was sleeping with Forshville when he visited her that afternoon. Often for days, doubts about her love for another man made him stop asking himself the question about Forshville, which seemed almost irrelevant. It was like an old problem taking on a new form, as if it had made us temporarily get rid of the old one. There were even days when he did not suffer from any suspicion and thought he had recovered, but when he woke up the next morning, he felt the same pain in the same place, which seemed to have been diluted by the rapids of different impressions during the first day. In fact, this painful position did not shift, it is this intense pain that awakened Swan. Every day, these great things haunt his mind (he knows that they are nothing more than pleasure), but Audrey never provides any information, nor can he imagine for a long time, thinking that his brain will be idle; then he rubbed his tired eyelids with his fingers, as if it were a mere pleasure. Wipe the lenses that clip your nose glasses, and then stop thinking. Something occasionally emerged over this vast expanse, vaguely related to her distant relatives or former friends through Audrey, whom she often mentioned as invisible because she had received them; in Swan's mind, these people seemed to constitute the fixed, impossible or impossible part of Audrey's life. The missing framework. Because she often talked to him about the special tone of "the day when I went to the racetrack with my girlfriend", when he was sick, he thought, "Audrey might come to my house." Suddenly he remembered that it was the day, and he thought, "Ah! No, there's no need to invite her to the racetrack. I never thought that today was the day when she and her girlfriend went to the racetrack. Let's wait for the time to mention something we can do; what's the benefit of putting forward something that is unacceptable and is bound to be rejected? The obligation to go to the racetrack, which had fallen on Audrey and Swan had to comply with, seemed not only irresistible to him, but also necessary * as if it made all matters directly or indirectly related to it reasonable and legitimate. If someone greets Audrey in the street and arouses his jealousy; if she answers this person's question by linking the stranger with two or three important obligations she often talks about to him, for example, when she says, "The gentleman was sitting in the same box with the friend who accompanied me to the racetrack that day," that explanation is It dispelled Swan's suspicion that it was inevitable that Audrey's girlfriend had invited other guests besides Audrey, but she never thought about the kind of guests, and even if she did, she could not think of them. Ah! How he wanted to know the girlfriend who took Audrey to the racetrack, and how he wished she could take him too! How willing he was to exchange all his relatives and friends for someone who could see Odette very often, even if she was a manicure or a shop assistant! He was willing to spend more money for them than for the queens. They also reflected part of Audrey's life. Isn't that just a pain-killer for him? It would be nice to live happily in the homes of the little people who keep friendly with Audrey because they share the same interests or because of the same simple nature. How he wished to move on to the sixth floor of the dirty but enviable house that Audrey never took him to, where he preferred to pretend that he was the lover of the little tailor who stopped by and received Audrey's visit every day! In these civilian areas, although life is simple and poor, but sweet, quiet and happy, he really would like to live forever! Sometimes, when she met Swan, she was approached by a man he didn't know, and he could see the sad look on Audrey's face that day when he went to see her and Foshville was there. But this is rare, because in the days when she meets him regardless of what she has to do or gossip from others, Audrey's dominant mood is self-confidence and composure: when she first met him, when she wrote to him, whether beside him or not, she was always there. How timid ("My friend, my hands are shaking so hard that I can't write any more words") - she at least said so, and this feeling is always true, and it's the basis for exaggeration. She liked Swan then. We tremble not for ourselves, but for those we love. When our happiness is no longer in their hands, we can take it calmly with them, be at ease, and be fearless. When she was talking to him and writing to him, he no longer used the fancy words that he belonged to her, no longer talked about him, and tried desperately to find the word "mine", for example, "you are everything to me, this is the perfume of our friendship, I left it" and so on; She no longer talked to him about the future, about death, as if they were not only destiny, but also life and death. She looked at his slightly bald long head. (People who knew Swan's achievements thought:"To be beautiful, he was not beautiful, but to be handsome, you see his hair, that single eye. Mirror, that smile! Anxious to know who he was rather than trying to be his mistress, she said, "If only I could know what was going on in my head!" Now, no matter what Swan said, she always answered with a little annoyance, sometimes with a magnanimous look: "Ah, you are always different from others!" Now she looked at his worried, slightly old face. (Now everyone read the instructions before they found the main idea of a symphony. She knew how his parents could find out where he was like his parents. With this ability, she said, "To say ugly, he is not ugly, but he is so ridiculous." Look at his glasses, his hair, his smile! " With their imagination, after only a few months, they drew a dividing line between the face of their lover and the face of Wang Ba, saying, "If only I could change my mind and make it reasonable!" The last one returns to the next one in the catalogue